After hearing the news about his friend, Chris had to make a pause to get some fresh air and a large cup of tea for himself. He decided to change the course of the episode he was writing, wanting to make something dramatic happen, if only to let out what he was feeling inside, but he was interrupted by the sound of his house phone ringing. "Hello, I'm Neil Walker. Could I speak to Jake?" Ask a man on the other side of the line. "Hey, Neil. Jake is at the hospital right now." Chris answered carefully, wondering how Neil was hanging on knowing about Nicole. "Wow! Is he ok? I had no idea! I’ve been trying to reach Nicky all day, I thought he might know where she is and why she won’t answer her phone." "Oh, that’s just the normal procedure of the psychiatric hospital. I’m sure she’ll be out in no time like she did before. " Chris informed, and suddenly started to get the feeling something was wrong with Neil “Are you okay, darling?” "Psychiatric hospital?" He repeated in disbelief, remembering a night he spent with his girlfriend and she confessed she had been "slightly depressed in high school.” "Yeah, she's probably spending the night there, but I'm sure they'll let her go in the morning. She’ll be out in no time, it’s just… You know how Nicky can get, right? But she always comes out on top of the world, a real fighter!" Chris reassured, wondering who could he call to comfort his heavy heart. "In what hospital is she again? I didn't write down, and now I can't remember..." Neil sat down on the edge of his bed, trying to catch his breath, knowing damn well no one called him because she was always trying to shield him from the world, as if he was a child. "Saint Claire Hospital. Neil, are sure you are ok? We are friends, if you need anything you can come over, so you don’t have to be alone. I know how hard this can be." Chris remembered how Jake would get lost in himself and his feelings when Nicole did things like that. "No, it's ok, Chris. Thank you. I-I gotta go." Neil quickly turned off the phone and all the dots started to connect in his mind; her constant accidents, and long stories and poems about death, the dark paintings, the weird jokes. He believe her when she said it was just art. He knew what had happened even though no one told him. As soon Chris turned off the phone, he saw that Jake had called him twice, then texted him to let him know he was going home to pick up his cat and was on his way, he also mentioned Nicoletta didn’t want Neil to know about it just yet, she wanted to talk to him personally when she left the hospital. The sunset in that was spectacular, so many different colors made Nicole think about her favorite Van Gogh painting, she felt somewhat lucky to have such an amazing view from the seventh floor window of her hospital window. She was drinking her expresso, and no one could tell what went on inside her little head; the frustration of failure and the anger of being forced into another program to “save her life”, and knowing how high her hopes would get just to be shattered into another episode that would lead her to stand where she was. She was deep in though, when she heard a familiar voice calling her name. "Nicky?" Neil called instantly recognizing her even without all the makeup and hairdos, or the expensive clothes. He knew it was her, even if all the glamourous aura that she always exhaled when she stood next to him as his much younger girlfriend was gone. But as soon as she heard his voice calling her name, Nicoletta let go of her coffee as if it were in flames. She knew why he was there, and she didn't want him to be there, to see her as anything less than perfect. She also knew that, at the end of the day no one wanted to deal with a crazy, suicidal girlfriend. "Nicky, what have you done.... Why didn't you tell me?" Neil asked with teary eyes, looking at her pale face that showed no emotion at all. "You weren't supposed to know." Was all she managed, refusing to let her heart get the best of her, she froze inside and gave Neil what she gave Jake. “What? Is that all you have to say to me? After everything we’ve been through together, you still don’t trust me?” At first, Neil was heartbroken but upon hearing her cold words his blood boiled inside. “Neil, there are parts of my life that are my problem.” She answered squinting her eyes and folding her arms, trying her best to look angry when in reality she was crying inside. “Why? You have everything, Nicky. If you need some time out, you just take it and go anywhere. You have friends who love you, who just died a little because of what you did. You have me. I love you. I love you, Nicoletta.” Neil wasn’t even trying to keep his wellness mask on, he just sobbed and opened his heart out to her. “Neil, I think you should go.” Was all she manage to say, before turning her eyes back to the window and the lovely view outside. Neil left her to her view, but he didn’t leave the hospital. He sat at the ER and watched as people came in and left for what it felt like weeks. He was only meant to have fun with a hot girl, but she stole his heart and showed him love like no other woman had ever done before. Now, she was like a safe, closed to the world, and he couldn’t help her. He ended up crying himself to sleep in a hospital chair. First thing next morning, Chris decided to pay Nicky a visit. He was scared he had ruined her relationship with Neil, but as he walked in the hospital and saw the guy sleeping on a chair, and he figured they had worked things out. "Hi, I'm Christopher Collins, I’m looking for Nicoletta Rossi. I'm not family or anything like that, but we used to live together, and I wanted to see if she's ok. See this is us in front of our Christmas tree last year, and this is us having Starbucks." Chris said showing pictures of the two of them on his phone, thinking that that might be enough to prove he actually knew her. "I see. Can you give me a moment, I need to speak with my supervisor first." The nurse had an odd look in her eyes, as if she wasn’t sure what to do or say, but Chris didn't think much. Upon seeing a thirty-nine year old man, sleeping on a chair with a half empty cup of bad hospital coffee in his hand, Chris couldn't help but wake Neil up, by gently nudging on her shoulder. "Hm, Nicky?! Oh, hi Chris." Neil said half asleep still, he painfully moved his body from the uncomfortable position he had slept in "I couldn’t leave." "I'm so sorry, Neil. For everything. The way I told you, I should have never..." Chris started, sitting next to Neil and bowing his head. "Hey, there's no easy way to learn that someone you're in love with is terribly depressed and tried to commit suicide." Neil said and sipped on his cold coffee; it tasted terribly but he really didn’t care. "How’s everything between the two of you? I visited her once her and she told me to go fuck myself and never talk to her again. She get’s quite confused and it just plain mean." Chris said with a little laugh, remembering how she apologized almost a million times for what she said “They give her some pills that make her mind foggy.” "Well, she told me to leave at first. I figured she needed space, so I just sat here all night. Then in the morning I took some flowers to her, and she cried. I cried. She was terrified I was breaking up with her, but hey, I'm nearly forty, I have baggage too. I told her that all I wanted was to be with her. I’m taking her for ice cream when she’s released." Neil said with a tired smile, which made Chris smile too; everything felt like it would be ok, maybe it was because of the sunny day outside. "Excuse me, are you the young man who was going to check out Mrs. Rossi? The boyfriend?" A nurse different carefully asked Chris. "Oh no, he's the boyfriend. I'm just her friend." He laughed it off. "Well, I have some news for the two of you. Could you follow me, please?” She said kindly, and both of them followed her into an empty observation room, where a doctor, a couple of nurses and a few police officers stood. Behind them was a bed where someone laid covered in a white sheet. “Gentleman, this is officer Reynalds, he’ll be explain what happened to the two of you, words could never express how sorry I am…” As the nurse continued and the officer started to explain how Nicoletta broke a window using a chair and threw herself head first in the garden, Neil’s vision went completely white and his ears started to ring, and he heard was the beating of his own heart, desperatly trying to jump out of his chest. When Neil woke up they let him know he had fainted during an extreme anxiety attack. Everything felt surreal, watching Jake was yelling at the doctor and the whole team of nurses, screaming how he would sue the hospital, having to be contained because of aggressive behavior. While Chris was sobbing desperately on the floor, in the corner of the room, watching his boyfriend being arrested. Neil looked over to the bed, and her body was there, resting as if she was sleeping peacefully. The darkness that lived inside of her, the one that made her take her own life, had spread into the lives of those who loved her. Life started to move on too fast, as if in the blink of an eye Neil was already attending the funeral of the first woman he wanted to marry. The pictures and memories they shared, he kept her dogs knowing no one would love them as much as he could. And then again, as if in the blink of an eye Neil found himself too drunk, too numb to life around him to realize where he was; taking a midnight stroll on the train tracks near his house, thinking the light he saw was the sunrise.

I am a survivor of (you guessed it) 6 suicide attempts. I have been hospitalize, and now I live a stable life along side my family. If you or someone you know has been having suicidal thoughts please don’t hesitate in calling for help at a Suicide Prevention Line, they saved me countless times. Stay safe and stay strong!!